Brazilian

Before I go to work I give L a quick 'mock' Brazilian with my razor. This is at her request, so that she can look more the part in her new 'intimidating' swimsuits. My efforts hardly produce the pruned, sculpted runway of a true Brazilian but it's not a bad effort.

In the car again but the journey in is not too bad. Apparently they’ve put a new set of traffic lights in the centre of Derby and all the traffic is gridlocked around there, which makes my journey easier. Council say the delay on the lights is set at 23 seconds; people ringing into local radio have timed it at 7 seconds. Whoops. Everyone else at work who had to come from that way were seething when they got in, late obviously.

L spent yesterday criticising Doggo for too much weeing and sniffing when they were on their morning run but today she emails to tell me she waded through the wet grass especially so he could have a sniff. She loves him really. Then she put chicken on top of his munchies to ensure he ate before she left for work. I rest my case, they are the best of friends; bosom buddies.

Perhaps in her defence I should explain that our dog has an eating disorder, in that most of the time he really can't be bothered to eat. Often he'll ignore his breakfast and just leave it. Then when you get home he'll make a big point of eating it in front of you. As if to say 'I was so worried and lonely while you were out at work, I almost starved to death'. He's such a dramatist!

Nipped into town in my lunch hour. Nip not being quite the right word as, with our new office being in a new 'development' on the edge of town, the town centre is no longer nippable. I'm looking at base layers for under my cycling jacket, preferably a long sleeve one. There are loads in the sale. There is a really good one which would also be ideal for cycling in the summer but its lime green! Not sure that's my colour. I’d certainly be visible in it!

L's bought me another mango, a bargain one, the shop assistant thought it was an avocado and rang it through the till for 30p cheaper. Durrrrrrr!

I check out the benefits of Brazilians on the internet, allegedly from a female point of view.

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/beauty/bodybasics/remove/articles/0,,548157_643583,00.html

Apparently after a full Brazilian, women feel sexier, physically cleaner, but mentally dirtier. Hmmm. They suddenly feel inclined to strut about the bedroom demanding all sorts of sexual acts from their partner which previously they would have been embarrassed to ask for. Hmmm. At every opportunity, they want to expose themselves and volunteer themselves for detailed gynaecological inspection from their boyfriends. Hmmm. They look neater, feel cleaner, and are more sexually rampant. Hmmm, just adding wax to my shopping list.

In the evening I go to watch Derby. Where I expect Billy Davies’s defensive formation to grind out another joyless 1-0 win. Luckily because of this engagement I will oblivious to most of the expected carnage in the fantasy league until it is all over. Although I'm sure I will receive unwanted half time and full time updates via test message if things are going badly.

In the end watching Derby is a pleasure. For the first time this season they put on a decent footballing performance. First time with me watching anyhow. Despite that they have a goal disallowed, then concede a soft goal and go in one down at half time, so much for good football. No texts, so things must be going ok. The second half they don't play as well, so naturally they soon equalise. They score the winner in injury time. I hate to say this but we are having so much luck you'd say our name was on the cup (or whatever you get for winning the league). Still no texts.

Go for a couple of pints with my folks afterwards, Bass regrettably. Again the guest ales are not on, the landlady tells me she also regrets the fact they haven't got any on at the moment because she is a fan of them too. So stop pouting at the customers love and get some sorted!

Shifting The Cloud

We get up to do the papers this morning as Son is still in Derby.

After that we fall back into bed. We ought to be up and on the park with Doggo, going for a swim or to the Gym but lie-ins are such a rare and precious thing. Instead we spend the next three hours in bed but not sleeping obviously. It is a man's duty to try and do what he can to shift his woman's black cloud. Three hours, minus some time out for a couple of coffee breaks, later, there is definitely much more sunshine and blue sky.

Regrettably once we finally get up I sense the sky clouding over again as the lack of physical activity (of the none sexual kind) tops it up again. Daughter not getting off the bus at the right stop and ending up in the centre of town doesn't seem to help.

The cricket has taken a turn for the worst.

My afternoon is spent watching Derby win again, 1-0 over Leicester. The result is ground out in a not very attractive style, so I have still seen no evidence of their wonderful play they save for away games. A win is a win they say. Hmmm. Can we have some football please lads?

On to the really serious stuff and I have a total nightmare in the fantasy. Henry, my captain, is rule out with a bad neck! Everyone seems to know this apart from me. Johnson pulls his hamstring pre-match. Things get worse when they kick off. One of my defenders brings down the striker from my rivals team. My defender is sent off, while his striker gets up and scores the penalty. My chap scores -2.

By 5pm I only have 2 points, everyone else seems to have 30+. In the late match Faye scores for Bolton, I consider pointing the car towards Bolton, running on the pitch and kissing the guy. That would liven up the Sky commentary. In the end I head for home, I have a dog to exercise and a black cloud to try and disperse.

The kids are back, well temporarily, Sons gone off to war and Daughter has gone to a birthday sleepover. We walk the three miles to the Victoria again. Where the Bramble Stout is wonderful.

We return home, avoiding all takeaways, and have L's beans and frankfurter dish that is designed to soak up the alcohol. I can certainly say that it works. Haven't had hangovers in months.