Sunday, December 31, 2006


The day starts much the same as yesterday: - longish lie in with sex and coffee etc. All good stuff. Followed by a walk on the park with Doggo and today L joins us.

When we get back, I have the 80's session I promised myself after we saw Starter for 10 the other day. Tears For Fears, Human League, OMD, that sort of thing.

Finally got around to putting my new bike pedals onto my bike. This is not as easy as it sounds and I have to consult the internet for instructions. Then once I get the hang of it. I'm on a role so I put my old pedals onto the turbo trainer. All I need to do now is to find the guts to get out on my bike and try out my new pedals.

As it's New Years Eve we take my parents out for a Chinese in Beeston. They love it. The meal is only average but for £12 per head for three courses, it's good value. There's so much food we couldn't eat it all, not even with our gannets, Son and Daughter, there. We share a bottle of red between four of us and I have a Singapore Tiger beer.

We get home and spend the traditional New Year with Jools Holland. On paper his lie-up looks poor but in the end it makes for a really good show. Ade Edmonson does Anarchy In The UK. It is excellent but we annoy Daughter by the playing her the original.

We demolish another half bottle of dessert white as we see in the new year and then start on a cheaper dryer one from Virgin Wines. We take Advocaat to bed.

57 units for the week. Horrendous. Three days of AF due now until Thursday. Blessed relief.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Facing The Rolling Pin

Short and sweet entry today because it's a pretty normal Saturday.

A nice longish lie in with good sex, orange juice, coffee and a dog on my feet. All pretty typical Saturday stuff.

Then I walk said dog on the park.

Then off to the match. Derby are incredibly lucky as they beat Plymouth 1-0 to stay third. Still not impressed.

I have a good Fantasy Day for once.

Then we have a night out in Nottingham. Down the Poacher for the first time in ages - Elsie Mo 4.7% and 2 x Good King Senseless 5.2% then a half of Marleys Ghost at 7.0% in Langtrys. Then we hit Scruffys on the way home for a couple of Leffe Brune's.

Then we stagger home to face the rolling pin from Daughter, who has told us not to get wasted.

Friday, December 29, 2006

More Eighties Nostalgia

We did our early morning swim again; Pool was packed again. L again did 30, think I was down around 22 today.

Afterwards L, who has obviously been too busy clocking other people rather than concentrating on the swimming, asks if I noticed how few people use their legs when they swim because apparently, today, absolutely no one was kicking. She says one particular old man never moved a leg muscle and another was actually walking up and down the pool. She says I wouldn't have noticed any of this because I don't have my head under water much. Hmmm I think that was a thinly disguised dig at my technique.

Of course I always check out people’s legs underwater, well the nice female ones anyway but it was all a bit wrinkly today so didn’t dare look most of the time, except at L's shapely pins of course.

AND I did notice the old chap, wasn't too sure he was alive, I though perhaps he was just floating lifelessly on the top of the water, like an expired fish. Then again no one dived into help him, which isn't good news. L assures me that she would notice if I stopped floundering.

Went home to rouse Son but he was just leaving for his paper round as I got there. Impressive.

I'm at work. L is at home. She drops me a email to tell me that the government's own figures say that women who do housework for exercise are less at risk of breast cancer than those who do sport for exercise. She hopes that this might create more room in the swimming pools for us.

How do the government come up with such silly things, housework isn’t exercise, although I suppose those semi-conscious people this morning might have got more out of a good hoovering session than they did out of their swim.

She also tells me that, apparently, Doggo is lying down by the front door waiting for me to come home. She often says this. Hmmm. Yes collies are supposed to be loyal dogs but I do doubt the loyalty of my own faithful beast. When he's lying by the front door, he's also technically very close to the bedroom door. So I'm sure L's confusing his 'waiting for me to come home' with 'waiting for someone to open the bedroom door'. He does love his bed, I mean OUR bed.

L's mother is in hospital having her replacement hip joint re-aligned, they expect her to be in for 4-5 days. L plans to visit today but then hears her Mum has already gone home. So it's true. The NHS really is working miracles these days.

Get home and get a nice welcome. We get 'romantic' on the bed. Wa-Hey. My girl has wonderful hands.

Later L, Daughter and myself go off to the cinema to see Starter For 10. Daughter comes reluctantly. She does everything reluctantly even if she really really wants to do something. Must be a teenage thing but makes it very difficult to discover what she does actually want to do.

Starter for 10 is set in 1985/86 and is about a lad's first year at University. He also wants to become a contestant on 'University Challenge', hence the title. Although dramatised up, it was still very true to life at uni in the 80's for anyone who was there e.g. Me. The eighties detail is excellent and the soundtrack is brilliant. Superb stuff from Tears For Fears and The Cure among others. The film is very very funny although the ending is far too mushy. Funny films shouldn't have romantic endings. I suggest an attempted suicide as a better ending with our hero surviving, just, and his girl mopping the blood off him again but L shouts me down. We break a rule of mine by walking out on an excellent song as the credits rolled, my second favourite Cure song, Pictures Of you.

We complete a very 80's day as I watch the first part of Swap Shop again with L before a touch more 'romance' in the bedroom.

A rare AF day.

Thursday, December 28, 2006


We get up at the usual time and take advantage of the council's utmost kindness in opening a swimming pool, on what is actually a normal working day. Pool was packed, standing room only, they really need to get more pools open. L does 30 lengths I think I do 24. Then I'm off to home to holler at Son to get up for his papers and then on to work. L walks Doggo.

Get to work and have a one sided email chat with her. I'm receiving her emails but she's not getting mine and I have to reply by text. Technology eh!

Last time I was at work it was Thursday and pub day. By some sheer coincidence it's Thursday again and so we're off to the pub again. A giant Yorkshire and beef stew goes down well, as does the pint of Resurrection, it's Xmas so we have another half.

Get home and L and Daughter take the car to go off to badminton. Then they get home and I go off in the car to my ritual mauling at squash. All these trips are to the same leisure centre as it's the only one open.

The council were reluctant to open the leisure centre in the evenings over Xmas because no one ever shows up, well tonight the squash courts are busy and they have to keep turning people away from the fitness suite because customers had assumed that the advertised 9pm closing time meant that all the facilities were open until 9pm. Don't be silly the fitness suite closes at 8pm.

Squash starts well and we have a close first game, although I lose 15-11. Things go downhill from there as my opponent gets his serve into a rhythm and soon I am four games down. Then he loses his rhythm and I seize my chance and win the next two. It ends 5-2 which is about usual.

I have a low-alcohol Lees mild at the pub 3.5%, almost AF.

Get home and actually watch some TV! The last half hour of Dracula and 30 years of Multicoloured Swap Shop, ahhh the nostalgia of it all.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Christmas Walk

I have a day off work today but we have to get up to do Son's papers for him. Well L does, Doggo and I follow on to try and help but by the time we find her the job is done. Then we head into Derby to collect the kids and on to another tradition, the village walk at Aston. We do the 'long' walk which is 4.1 miles. Son and Daughter both do it, a seasonal concession from them as they never usually walk and no, thumb screws were not required. Daughter only asks 'how much further' about ten times, which is good, and doesn't storm off at all, a rare treat indeed. Even Doggo behaves himself and fails to upset any other dogs. We do however, have to keep a reasonable distance between him and my Brother, who have had a bit of dislike of each other since my Brother upset him when he was a pup. Bingo numbers are placed along the route and you have to mark off number on a bingo card. A full house wins you a prize. As is the tradition everyone wins except me, Daughter wins a hangman game but only because someone else has beaten her to the last of the chocolate prizes, Son wins ermmm, the last of the chocolate prizes.

We pop to the pub for a pint of Jennings Cumberland, which is shadow of its former self, thanks for that W&D Breweries and a two-course meal for £4.95. It's only a child portion but what do you expect for a fiver.

L has to be at work for 3.00, so I rush her off there and then take the kids home.

Later I nip into town to get my friend a birthday card; he inconsiderately has a birthday on the 29th December, which means it's a nightmare to get a card to him. The shop has to dig deep in its stock room to find any cards that are suitable as all the shelves are still full of Xmas cards. Shops note, birthdays do not have a Xmas break. I even get time to browse round my former favourite shop, Selectadisc. It is pleasing to see that 20 years on since I first visited it is still the best record shop on the planet.

At 6.15 I meet L out of work and we pop to the Ropewalk for a quick Leffe. Four Leffe's later we stagger up the road, to home and turkey sandwiches.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

In The Hands Of My Masseur

Tempted to break my abstinence but L won't hear of it. Sex is officially prohibited until tonight. Hope she can cope with what she might unleash.

We get up and drive the kids over to their father's and then head to the Furnace for the Boxing Day run, that they hold there. Doggo is going to be allowed to run in this one, attached to me and boy is he excited. He loves a good running race but he is rarely allowed to compete himself, so today is a big Christmas treat for him.

We line up at the back of the field so that Doggo doesn't leg any runners down and cause a pile up. I have to physically hold him back, he is so hyped up. With hindsight simply being at the back wasn't enough, we needed to be in the next street.

Eventually I let him start and we rocket off the start line, I think we pass 50 people within the first 20 metres. We get the usual comments that I am cheating, being dog assisted and for the first two miles it is true, Doggo hardly stops to breathe. This is probably because he can't breathe, he is pulling that hard he practically choking himself. I have to hold him back for fear that he'll wear me out. When finally he starts to wane he tries to have a sneaky rest by peeing up a litter bin but I'm having none of that. The course is three miles and as we approach the finish we are still passing other runners and moving up the field. As we approach the line, Doggo decides he needs a drink from one of the puddles, or is he just trying to grab a few seconds rest. No way. The line is in sight and someone is stood there waving a box of chocolate liquors in the air, presumably a spot prize. Just as the chocolates come into touching range they are snatched away by the chap in front of us. We finish 46th the spot prize goes to 45th, now if Doggo hadn't tried to stop for that drink they'd have been ours. The chap who is now clutching the chocolates turns to us and says how relived he was that we didn't pass him, he heard us panting behind him (hopefully that was Doggo and not me) and half expected us to come past. He doesn't offer us a chocolate. Happy Christmas mate.

L comes in a 100 or so places behind us, raving about the view (as usual) and how many dogs she's seen on the course. Both me and Doggo shrug. Dogs? What dogs? View? What view?

After lots of hugging and kissing by strange women I don't know. Christmas does odd things to people. It's not something that I would usually complain about but my legs feel like jelly and I just want to sit down. At least Doggo looks worse than me.

I take L home and then go watch Derby play Wolves. The two teams provide better entertainment, an end-to-end match, than we've seen for a while, it's almost not boring. However, I suppose the teams performance isn't as good (or rather as clinical) as usual and we lose 2-0.

Get a text from L offering hot oils for my aching thighs. Wa-Hey. Thought I was supposed to be seducing her tonight. Eat your heart out John Malkovich (see Xmas Eve).

Rush my parents round to my Brothers and briefly pop in to say hi. Then off home to seduce L.

Have promised L romance, so I crank up the heating (far too hot), move the table into the lounge, and light the candles. I do a simple Mexican chilli sort of thing but with rib eye steak cut into chunks and char grilled on a kebab. I serve it with tortillas, rice and salsa. It seems to go down rather well, as do the several glasses of wine I ply her with. All the time Doggo keeps a worried eye on proceeds from his favourite corner of the lounge, not really trusting the darkened room and the candlelight.

All in all the seduction seems to work as L changes into her masseur's outfit of vest and knickers. She fetches the massage oils and selects the criminally underused 'time for passion'. Then my thighs and calves get a good pasting, easing away the aches and the stiffness from the morning run. However the undoubted skills of my masseur just seem to drive the problem elsewhere and she eventually has to turn her attention to another area that is eagerly clamouring to be taken notice of. I must say that it is an honour and a pleasure to be in the hands of such a talented and gorgeous masseur. So much so that I feel that I have little option than to thank her in the traditional way and take advantage of her under the Xmas Tree lights.

Seduction complete, I take my girl and an advocaat to bed.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Happy Alcoholic Christmas

Christmas Day. My favourite Christmas present is already unwrapped beside me and although time is short, you can't start the big day without sex.

Doggo is the loser and only gets half an hour on the park, L walks across to meet us. When we get back to the house my Mum and Dad are just arriving, they're early. Daughter is up and raring to go but no sign of Son, still in bed. Eventually we get him up and into the bath, where he languishes for another half an hour or so. Unable to do any unwrapping until he emerges we do what anyone would do in the same situation, we hit the eggnog. Not good news for my parents, who are cholesterolly challenged, but this is likely to be one of only many sins they commit today.

Son emerges looking surprisingly lively and we start exchanging presents. L and I swap boots! Daughter gets her long longed for Ipod and Son a new TV, should have been a computer, and will be at some point but for now it's still 'in the post'.

We hit the pub for the traditional Christmas Day beer. I have Sooty Stout and Legend, both brewed on site by the Nottingham Brewery. Local ales! Take note Greene King.

We go home for food, our two alcoholic pate and some excellent vegetable soup that L has cooked up. Then we have Turkey which is excellent too, along with some sweetish white wines (Alsace) that we got the other day from Majestic. They too are very good. Then its Christmas pud covered in more alcohol, in the form of rum sauce!

We manage to avoid the appalling stuff on TV for most of the day apart from Doctor Who that Daughter insists we watch. It is not one of their better efforts.

My parents depart around 8pm and we take some more white wine to bed, where very quickly we proceed to sleep it all off. We are possibly too drunk and too knackered for sex but we decide on abstinence anyway. We have the house too ourselves tomorrow night and I'm planning a romantic night in.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Most Romantic Film Ever

Brief lie in, quick sex, then a run with L and Doggo, around 3.5 miles in 40 dog minutes.

We go off to pick up the bird for Xmas Day for our local farm shop and then nip to Sainsbury's because we haven't got enough plates to feed six people off. Amazingly for Xmas Eve we get served straight away.

I make two pates. One chicken liver and brandy, the other Port and Stilton. Not good for the alcohol units. I also make my stuffing and the 'pigs in blankets' ready for Xmas Day. Then we start on the eggnog. Also not good for the alcohol units!

We walk Doggo down to our local, which is uncharacteristically full, so we walk back. Daughter has taken possession of the lounge and the TV as usual, so we borrow her TV and DVD player and retire to our bedroom to watch a DVD of one of the most 'romantic' films ever made, Dangerous Liaisons, which surprisingly L has never seen. It is one of my all time favourite films, such a good and magnificently evil plot. John Malkovich is so demoniacally good in it.

We snuggled up romantically with three bottles of Pelforth each and Doggo and immersed ourselves in the power games, the deceit, the malice, the desire, the control, the power, the lust, and a naked teenage Uma Thurman. Wonderful stuff.

Then when Daughter's inquisitiveness get the batter of her she joins us too. Briefly. Until she gets chucked out when John Malkovich sets about talking Uma out of her virginity.

The film ends and L agrees it's a good film. Then just as I'm about to do a Malcovich and perhaps "teach her some Latin", Daughter reappears. The girl has immaculate timing.

In the end we let the kids stay up until midnight to see in Christmas Day and then I proceed in trying to 'romance' L into a post midnight watershed shag.

It's difficult to tell for sure but I reckon around 41 units for the week, oh dear.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Romance Isn't Dead

Dogging in Grantham today but thanks to the dodgy postal service, I do not have my schedule yet. Normally I leave for these things at around 7am but it's Xmas, so Doggo and me opt for a late start. Enough time for a bit of indulgence with L before we head off around 8.30. Forgot to get any sausages as treats for Doggo, so he's on the cheese today instead.

We get there just in time to do our first run, something called Unders & Overs. In all we do four courses, nothing spectacular, as my main aim is to make sure I reinforce all the stuff we've been doing in training rather than go for speed. Not that Doggo does speed anyhow; well not unless there's a Weimaraner in close proximity. We have three clears and I thought it was four. As we crossed the line, I looked back at the judge for the customary clap of hands for a clear round but no he was walking back up the course to replace a pole that someone had dislodged. I don't remember us doing that. I look at Doggo, who seems to shrug his shoulders and roll his eyes upwards "Wasn't me Guv, Where's me cheese?"

Derby get a bore draw, 0-0 at Burnley.

It's quite a short day for a dog show and I get home for just after 4.00. Make myself busy making eggnog laced with rum and brandy, to oil the wheels of our Xmas festivities.

In the evening I treat L to romantic meal for two at Scruffys. Where we have Leffe Brune, a bottle of Faustino Crianza and their special liquor coffee (which was good but not really that special). Oh yes we have food too, L has tortillas with chilli and I have Moroccan Lamb. We stagger home and take a port to bed. I expected L to be knackered but she 'slips into something more comfortable', black French knickers. Naturally with provocation like that she going to get fucked. Who says romance is dead.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Deep Water, Deep Sleep

Day off work today but no lie in for us fitness freaks, we are up at more or less the usual time and running round the pond and park with Doggo. Three miles or so in a leisurely fashion, thanks to a dog who's more stop than go. Then we head off to the pool for 30 minutes there. I flounder my way to 20 lengths; L does more than that naturally. Apparently an early morning workout is good for your libido. So we head off home, hopefully back to bed and to test out that theory.

Life is never that simple. All of this running, swimming and hopefully shagging is to the worrying backdrop of the thought that the man from Whirlpool could turn up at any minute to fix our freezer. We get home and we haven't missed him, so, so far so good. I ring Whirlpool who assures us we have a morning appointment.

Another complication in the cunning plan is that the kids are off Christmas shopping with their father at 9am but he is naturally as late as late as ever. At 9.30 he rings to say he's on his way. Kids eventually leave, only one hour late.

No sign of Whirlpool, so, with one eye on the road outside for the expected white van, we leap (well kind of) back into bed and indulge in a spot of frantic, against the clock, sex. L doesn't work well under pressure. Normally in these kind of situations, if ever there's an interruption, poor old L ends up being frustrated but today she plays a blinder and we finish with seconds to spare before a van pulls up outside. I hurriedly get dressed to let Whirlpool in while L is still recovering in the bedroom.

Whirlpool man diagnoses the problem in about 5 seconds, our three-week-old freezer needs a new compressor, sounds like he's on the ball, so should be a quick job. Afraid not, he doesn't install compressors, we need another man for that! Could be after Christmas we're told. However a few phone calls later, another man is on his way down from Mansfield to sort us out.

Thirty minutes later, the man arrives and sets about replacing our dodgy Brazilian (no not that kind) compressor with a better Italian one. L hides Doggo in the back room in case he turns ferocious. He has a random dislike of some people; how he differentiates we can't quite work out. The man finishes the job and Doggo decides he loves him after all and both quickly become good friends.

We head into to town to get L's Xmas present, boots this time. Unlike our last shopping trip it is over in minutes as L is more decisive about her boots. We ponder on dress shopping and although it is a spectator sport that I quite enjoy, well the stripping off bit anyway, we decide things will most probably be cheaper in the sales. Something to look forward to. I have now being shopping more times with L in the last week than in the previous 10 years.

We head to the Bell to celebrate and have possibly our last ever H&H Rocking Rudolph.

Later that night we go see the film Deep Water and have a Hopback beer in the bar first. The beer is decidedly dodgy and I have to finish L's half.

The film is about Donald Crowhurst bizarre participation in the 1969 competition to sail around the world solo without stopping. The film includes 16mm footage shot at the time. Almost immediately his boat started leaking. It would have been suicidal for him to continue but returning home meant humiliation and financial ruin, so he faked his journey but then topped himself anyway.

The film is good but either doesn't hold L's attention or the combination of our hectic day has done her in because despite numerous digs in the ribs from me, she sleeps through most of it. I fill her in with all the details afterwards, so that if anyone asks she can sound knowledgeable about it.

Later than evening L seems slightly more awake so we head down the Plough for a couple of Sooty Stouts. Then have a glass of wine back at home.