Fiery Chicks

In car today and not a bad journey, the council must still be corralling all the cars in the city centre with their mass of traffic lights.

L bemoans the fact that it took her 14 minutes to cycle to work. Seems a bit accurate to me, sounds like she's purposely timing it, getting serious eh! Competitive even! 14 minutes doesn't sound too bad to me, they'd be lots of traffic lights in that.

The dog's pissed her off again; he shagged her running kit around the bedroom this morning. She thinks he's getting less choosy what he shags. Typical male eh! Having said that, it's not a bad choice by the dog, it's a very sexy kit and was probably nice and sweaty too, although personally I'd have waited until she was wearing it.

My mate the Leeds fan is ducking out of the Leeds United v Real County (he means Derby) match up at Elland Road. Apparently they are charging £36 a ticket. What a bargain that is Mr Bates, just to watch their current dire team, they charged a lot less when they were playing in Europe. I upset him by telling him that he could save himself a tenner by going in the Derby end, because it's only £26 for away supporters. That's really rubbing their noses in it.

He says they're probably going for a curry instead. That does sound like a much better idea to me, if I was him I wouldn't go to the match without a blindfold. He agrees. He thinks Derby will win easily; he reckons next season Leeds will be playing Peterborough and Derby will be being annihilated by Chelsea! That's the nicest thing he's every said about Derby. Probably the nicest thing he's ever said about Peterborough too; they don't do promotions.

Pub lunch. Cottage Pie and a Chocolate Stout that wasn't that impressive. The Stout that is, the Cottage Pie was as good as ever.

The council crack under pressure. I have been verbally abusing them via email since we found out that we will not be able to get our normal game of squash in on the Thursday after Xmas because the Leisure Centre is shutting at 6pm. Me and L can't get any evening swims in either. It could be worse because most of the centres aren't opening at all between Xmas Eve and the day after New Year. Nonetheless 6pm is no good to use, as we are both at work as normal, so I complained, strongly and then I complained again, even more strongly. Repeated this until they give in. Well now they've backed down and are staying open until 9pm. Although it’ll probably be that busy, because there will only be two courts open in the whole of the city, that we won't be able to get a game.

As for tonight's squash. As usual he gets his excuses in before we start; got a cold, tired; bad back etc etc etc

I play pretty well. My court positioning is much better and he doesn't serve well. I still lose but it is close, I go down 5-3. Yes we played 8 games and he was so unhappy with the way the 8th went he wanted to play a 9th but it was now 9.00, we'd been on court for 1 hour and 15 minutes!

I am supposed to be meeting L at the pub; she was running there. Get a text from her at 9.05 saying she's just leaving home but due to the dubious reception within the leisure centre complex I think it was sent much earlier. She is stood outside in the cold waiting for us when we arrive. Doggo is trying to pick a fight with one of the dogs inside, so she can't get him in to the pub.

We stop for swift one; it would have been nice to have stopped for more as it's a Scottish ales night, celebrating St Andrews Day. Have a pint of Atlas Three Sisters which brings back fond memories of Glencoe.

We go home to eat. My fiery girl has cooked up a fiery chicken curry. It is excellent. We have another beer.

Brazilian

Before I go to work I give L a quick 'mock' Brazilian with my razor. This is at her request, so that she can look more the part in her new 'intimidating' swimsuits. My efforts hardly produce the pruned, sculpted runway of a true Brazilian but it's not a bad effort.

In the car again but the journey in is not too bad. Apparently they’ve put a new set of traffic lights in the centre of Derby and all the traffic is gridlocked around there, which makes my journey easier. Council say the delay on the lights is set at 23 seconds; people ringing into local radio have timed it at 7 seconds. Whoops. Everyone else at work who had to come from that way were seething when they got in, late obviously.

L spent yesterday criticising Doggo for too much weeing and sniffing when they were on their morning run but today she emails to tell me she waded through the wet grass especially so he could have a sniff. She loves him really. Then she put chicken on top of his munchies to ensure he ate before she left for work. I rest my case, they are the best of friends; bosom buddies.

Perhaps in her defence I should explain that our dog has an eating disorder, in that most of the time he really can't be bothered to eat. Often he'll ignore his breakfast and just leave it. Then when you get home he'll make a big point of eating it in front of you. As if to say 'I was so worried and lonely while you were out at work, I almost starved to death'. He's such a dramatist!

Nipped into town in my lunch hour. Nip not being quite the right word as, with our new office being in a new 'development' on the edge of town, the town centre is no longer nippable. I'm looking at base layers for under my cycling jacket, preferably a long sleeve one. There are loads in the sale. There is a really good one which would also be ideal for cycling in the summer but its lime green! Not sure that's my colour. I’d certainly be visible in it!

L's bought me another mango, a bargain one, the shop assistant thought it was an avocado and rang it through the till for 30p cheaper. Durrrrrrr!

I check out the benefits of Brazilians on the internet, allegedly from a female point of view.

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/beauty/bodybasics/remove/articles/0,,548157_643583,00.html

Apparently after a full Brazilian, women feel sexier, physically cleaner, but mentally dirtier. Hmmm. They suddenly feel inclined to strut about the bedroom demanding all sorts of sexual acts from their partner which previously they would have been embarrassed to ask for. Hmmm. At every opportunity, they want to expose themselves and volunteer themselves for detailed gynaecological inspection from their boyfriends. Hmmm. They look neater, feel cleaner, and are more sexually rampant. Hmmm, just adding wax to my shopping list.

In the evening I go to watch Derby. Where I expect Billy Davies’s defensive formation to grind out another joyless 1-0 win. Luckily because of this engagement I will oblivious to most of the expected carnage in the fantasy league until it is all over. Although I'm sure I will receive unwanted half time and full time updates via test message if things are going badly.

In the end watching Derby is a pleasure. For the first time this season they put on a decent footballing performance. First time with me watching anyhow. Despite that they have a goal disallowed, then concede a soft goal and go in one down at half time, so much for good football. No texts, so things must be going ok. The second half they don't play as well, so naturally they soon equalise. They score the winner in injury time. I hate to say this but we are having so much luck you'd say our name was on the cup (or whatever you get for winning the league). Still no texts.

Go for a couple of pints with my folks afterwards, Bass regrettably. Again the guest ales are not on, the landlady tells me she also regrets the fact they haven't got any on at the moment because she is a fan of them too. So stop pouting at the customers love and get some sorted!

Bookends

First alarm goes off, Nicky Bloody Campbell. Second Alarm goes; dog thumps both front paws into my crotch. Third alarm goes off, L's watch. Fourth Alarm goes off; explosion of static from badly tuned radio upstairs. Fifth Alarm goes off; L's watch again. I see the dog approaching again this time with his tongue poised ready to give my face a damn good licking; Ok enough, I'm awake!

I'm on my bike again today so I push dog off the bed and get on with my warm-up exercises. Once I'm finally out of bed I hear the rain. Oh dear. 'Is that rain I hear' says L. I reassure her that no I don't think it is.

By the time I finally get going the rain has stopped, the roads are wet but not very. It turned out to be a good choice to cycle.

L wasn't so lucky, she biked into work, and it rained on her. She is scathing about the dog; says he was pathetic as usual. Tells me she is discounting what they do in the morning from her training schedule because he drags his paws so much. Although it's not really his paws that are the problem; it's his nose that's the issue. She's stopped using the term 'run' because it doesn't describe what they do.

She questions what I put him through last night to wear him out so much. Hmmm practically nothing really, he was mainly exercising his jaw.

Doggo enjoyed the rest of his morning though. When they got home, he systematically emptied L's kit bag and threw the contents around the living room, along with a tea towel. He's such a treasure and it's nice of L to play games with him. He probably saves his energy so that he can be a pain once he gets home.

Spectacular response with L's letter to the school; they are arranging another history trip.

Excellent ride home, roads totally dry now and I arrive at more or less the same time as L does on her bike. She's survived her journey out of Nottingham, which I would say is probably more hazardous than mine, and she worries about me getting flattened.

Another success today, after about a month or more of trying, we actually manage to join Swimfit. This is a national swimming plan www.swimfit.com that the council are supporting but none of the leisure centres or the council offices had so far managed to join us. Several people had actually denied all knowledge of it. It didn't look promising tonight either, but we left the staff for half an hour or so while we had a swim and when we got back they'd managed to sort it. Bravo.

I sign Sheffield's Kenny in goal before tonight's game and my opponent does the same. Is he shadowing me? My assassins manage to get to Ashley Young and put him out of action. Something he was given to eat apparently. Hope the dose was right, nasty business with that Russian chap. He is replaced in the Watford team by MY Damien Francis. Bonus. Sheffield win 1-0.

Bookend the day nicely with a warm-down in bed with L.

A Night with the Mizz readers

Normally I struggle with what to blog on a Monday but this one's going to be a long one, so if I was you I'd go put the kettle on before you start reading.

In car today. Instantly regret it.

Still not mentioning the cricket.

(See I'm keeping it nice and brief so far)

Gloating emails start to arrive as soon as I get in at work. Not surprisingly my player getting himself sent off giving my rival's player a penalty was the highlight of his weekend. He takes it all far too seriously... It is after all only a game...

Even so I still feel like tendering my resignation to my fantasy chairman. Would he give me a vote of confidence or just mutter something about closing the door on my way out.

I cheer up a touch, realising things could have been worse and I consider dropping Mr Faye an email, thanking him and telling him he’s playing up front for my team this week. It was his first goal this year but I bet he didn't realise just how important it was. My rival tell me he's already sent Mr Pearce at Fulham one, thanking him for the nice gift of the penalty and for having the good grace to leave the pitch at the same time.

We have midweek games this week but only six of them. This combined with injuries and suspensions means that at the moment I'm struggling to raise a six-a-side team. I have to decide whether to sign a goalkeeper or go in without one. I have that many other holes in my team that I need to try and plug. Think I might just send the midfield out on their own as apart from the lack of a keeper, my defence is shredded and I only have one striker, who I assume Ferguson will rest this week!

L checks in. By her own admission her mood is still foul, even she's tired of it. The dog was dreadful on their run; apparently they had words several times. Daughter was late leaving for school and was also in a black mood. So it'll be fun at home tonight! The good news is that she hasn't developed any bruises from her brush with the banisters last night.

Cycling Weekly recommends that all cyclists; who also have a desk job; should take up Pilates, as it’s good for restoring your posture. L offers to book me a place. I'm not convinced.

I receive another email from my favourite cloud; this time headed 'Black Clouds'. Oh dear, she's been reading the blog.

She seems grateful for her mood, as last night she was composing a complaining letter to the school. They are running a GCSE History trip but aren't taking all the pupils and Son is one of the ones being disadvantaged. Seemingly Black Clouds help when composing stroppy letters to teachers. She emails me a copy but it doesn't arrive. Presumably collared by our server for being too stroppy but then it arrives second post.

She worked her lunch, partly to keeps her away from the shops and hence the Dairy Milk, but also so that she can skip out early to go over to Derby. Some of her friends are running (a little), eating (a little), and drinking (perhaps a little more considering her mood). Then she reveals she reading the Times "Red Wine and Chocolate Diet" on the bus. Hmmmm. Doesn't bode well. Says she resisted the Daily Express's "Drop a Dress Size for Christmas" because it looked posher buying the Times.

Daughter has a detention until 3:45 for 'forgetting' to hand in her homework. So her mood isn't likely to have improved by the time I get home.

I get home and starting cooking tea for the kids and then leave the 'forgetful one' to finish off. Doggo and I head off to class, part one of my busy night.

Turns out Daughter actually enjoyed the detention, much more so than her ordinary lesson because they gave her more interesting stuff to do. They really know how to punish children these days. L suggests we write up to school and request more detentions.

Class goes well; Doggo is good but slower than he has been of late, probably because his least favourite Weimaraner is not there to wind him up. He settles for just barking manically at everyone instead.

After that we get home and I push Doggo out of the car; dump his tea in front of him; say hi to the 'forgetful one' and then head off to Rock City to see Dirty Pretty Things.

L's night out seems to have gone well, they served her a pint in the pub when she only wanted a half and only charged her for a half. Sounds good to me. L warns me not to throw my knickers at the band. This stems from the fact that apparently they are pin-ups boys in the teenage girl's mag Mizz. I promise to save my sweaty knickers for throwing at her.

Get there at 9.20, just in time as the band are due on at 9.30 but they don't appear until 9.45. Can't find my mate who I'm supposed to be meeting. Perhaps L is right, there does seem to be a lot of Mizz readers here. Most of the girls are far too dressed up for Rock City and all carrying the most ridiculously huge handbags. Most of them only look about 14. I check the ticket, yep it's an over 18's gig and I know they were doing the 'Challenge 21' thing and checking ID at the door because I saw them. Obviously the in thing now is for girls to dress to look underage! How things have changed! Rather handily hardly any of them appear to be over five-foot tall, which makes seeing the stage no problem at all. I text L and promise to duck the flying g-strings etc. She is now at home, in bed, with dog, tea and a book.

The band come on stage and I quickly move away from a group of drunk male students who seem to be intent on spending the entire gig taking photo's of each other with their mobile phones. Hello? You're supposed to point that at the stage! Not that you'll be able to tell if it’s Carl Barat or your Grandmother up there playing guitar on a typical poor quality mobile phone photo.

The band are pretty good although the set seems to lose its way in the middle. Things pick up again towards the end, as the more lively tunes are thrown in. During an energetic rendition of 'Gin and Milk', I get thumped in the chest several times by the enormous handbag that is slung over the shoulder of the four-foot tall Mizz reader, who is bopping in front of me. She staggers backwards and stands on my toe with her stiletto heels. Ouch! I stand corrected - judging by the length of those heels she's only a three-foot tall Mizz reader! She turns round and apologises to my naval. Thoughts of another of my friends, who isn't here, and his desire for a midget girlfriend with a flat head spring to mind (If you don't understand, I'll explain some other time). I fight the urge to peer over her handbag and check out the profile of the top of her skull, opting instead to move to safer view of the band behind another handily positioned, but less animated, midget.

I look across at the students, who are still taking photos of each other. I wonder if they know there's a band on.

The encores are excellent and start with a cover of The Jam's 'In the City', which they famously played in London with Paul Weller. No Weller tonight though, unless he's down in the mosh pit. They also play a few Libertines tracks and finish with a fantastic version of 'I Get Along'. During which one of the drunken students dives into the fray and manages to crowd surf to the front. Cue loud cheers from his friends, who are actually looking towards the stage for once, as security removes him from the stage. Then consternation in their ranks as they realise none of them got a photo of it.

Gig over, people start to disperse, I finally find my friend just as we are leaving.

The students are comparing phones to see if any of them has got any battery power left, so that they can call for a taxi. Enjoy the walk guys.

The Day Of The Blackened Toe

Orienteering again and local again, in Nottingham this time. So only time for an edited highlights package of Saturday morning's lie-in.

I'm not mentioning the cricket.

Once up and in the car, the black clouds seem to be in the distance and not overhead. This would be a good sign if it wasn't for the fact that they seem to be hovering over where we are heading. There are few things worse that having a bad day orienteering; but one of those is having a bad WET day orienteering.

Lots of horses and horse trails in the forest where we are. At one point I start to climb up a heavily brambled bank so as the dog would not disturb the horses. Doggo won't follow me though and takes the logical route up the trail I was trying to avoid, threading his way through the horses as he goes. He stands at the top of the hill looking extremely pleased with himself, while staring down at the silly fool coming up the hard way.

In the end, it doesn't rain and orienteering goes very well. In fact my partner (Doggo) and I come 16th out of 40+ entries. We are even inside the recommended time which is a rarity. The course is very easy, although the map is a bit dodgy and way too small. So it's a good job the course is straightforward.

Coffee, soup and a debrief back at the car. L's course went well too. So well in fact that there are once again chinks of sunlight through the black clouds.

At 4pm we go out for Sunday lunch with some friends, to our local Hardy's and Hanson's pub. This will probably be our last trip there before the brewery is closed and therefore we are forced to boycott it.

Excitement before we go as Son flashes us a grotesquely blackened toe as he wonders round bare foot, hunting for socks. This is as he starts to get ready ten minutes after the rest of us are ready to leave. Apparently a mishap on the football field has produced this unsightly injury. Daughter promptly faints at the hideous sight. At first I think she is fooling but when she bangs her head on the banisters I'm convinced. Doggo is quick to administer first aid with his tongue.

At the pub the Greene King influence is already well evident, all the better H&H beers removed and replaced with GK rubbish. I have a H&H Olde Trippe, a normally forgettable beer which tastes better than usual, perhaps because I know it's the last time I'll drink it. The pub is dead, so looks like we're not the only customers who have voted with their feet.

My miserable weekend in the fantasy is complete as Stefanovic limps off injured, although things improve slightly as Saha scores. Somehow I limp to 34 points, 20 points off the pace.

39 units for the week, shockingly bad.

Shifting The Cloud

We get up to do the papers this morning as Son is still in Derby.

After that we fall back into bed. We ought to be up and on the park with Doggo, going for a swim or to the Gym but lie-ins are such a rare and precious thing. Instead we spend the next three hours in bed but not sleeping obviously. It is a man's duty to try and do what he can to shift his woman's black cloud. Three hours, minus some time out for a couple of coffee breaks, later, there is definitely much more sunshine and blue sky.

Regrettably once we finally get up I sense the sky clouding over again as the lack of physical activity (of the none sexual kind) tops it up again. Daughter not getting off the bus at the right stop and ending up in the centre of town doesn't seem to help.

The cricket has taken a turn for the worst.

My afternoon is spent watching Derby win again, 1-0 over Leicester. The result is ground out in a not very attractive style, so I have still seen no evidence of their wonderful play they save for away games. A win is a win they say. Hmmm. Can we have some football please lads?

On to the really serious stuff and I have a total nightmare in the fantasy. Henry, my captain, is rule out with a bad neck! Everyone seems to know this apart from me. Johnson pulls his hamstring pre-match. Things get worse when they kick off. One of my defenders brings down the striker from my rivals team. My defender is sent off, while his striker gets up and scores the penalty. My chap scores -2.

By 5pm I only have 2 points, everyone else seems to have 30+. In the late match Faye scores for Bolton, I consider pointing the car towards Bolton, running on the pitch and kissing the guy. That would liven up the Sky commentary. In the end I head for home, I have a dog to exercise and a black cloud to try and disperse.

The kids are back, well temporarily, Sons gone off to war and Daughter has gone to a birthday sleepover. We walk the three miles to the Victoria again. Where the Bramble Stout is wonderful.

We return home, avoiding all takeaways, and have L's beans and frankfurter dish that is designed to soak up the alcohol. I can certainly say that it works. Haven't had hangovers in months.

Black Clouds

Back on the bike today, complete with swanky new tyres but bugger it's not raining. No mishaps, no punctures, new tyres felt very good, the grip is certainly better. I felt totally knackered when I start out, a hangover from the previous night's heroics on the squash court and I worry about whether I'll be able to get up the hills.

I start slow but soon get in the swing of things. Despite tired legs I power my way to a new course record - 53 minutes 25 seconds. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Good job I did my usual warm up before I got out of bed; I'm sure it helped loosen a few muscles. My ride was impressive because it was quicker even than when I ‘raced’ that chap last week. Although I suppose the traffic, which was surprisingly quiet today, might have had something to do with it.

Australia score a meagre 602-9. England knock up a quick 50 for the loss of only three wickets.

L emails in that her morning has been 'OK I suppose', she's either still depressed or she's been reading my blog. She also suggests that the only reason I got 'romantic' with her this morning was in case I ended up under a juggernaut. Hmmmm, think perhaps she has been reading my blog.

Of course it wasn't the only reason and they do say you should live every day as if it’s your last! L's not impressed with that mantra, saying it won't do her weight or alcohol consumption any good. With that she does offline to go and get 220 Triathlon magazine for some inspiration.

The bike home is fairly straightforward and event free. I also think it was pretty fast but the clock disagrees.

In the evening we go back over to Derby on the bus. L has a black cloud hovering above her, so she obviously is still depressed. Unfortunately black clouds do not dilute well in alcohol. She seems annoyed mainly at her lack of fitness and feels unfit. Despite that, she looks sensational again when she goes out in Daughter's skirt again.

We meet up with some friends and go for a Mexican with them. The Mexican is very good and good value for what we pay. We have a nice drop of Pinot Noir with it and some excellent beer too.

New Tyres And A Swim Float

On bus again. Run for it again.

L not happy. Says her run was awful. Dog was rubbish. Park was locked. Doggo attacked a Labrador; perhaps he got his Labs and his Retrievers mixed up and was just exacting revenge for his mugging last night. She's so depressed she's bought a bar of Dairy Milk and she's threatening Stilton for tea. Blimey, if he's eats all that lot I'll find her with her head in the gas oven by the time I get home from squash tonight. Good job it's not her who's playing tonight, what I go through on that court on a Thursday night would tip her over the edge.

England doing well in the Ashes. They have restricted the Aussies to well under 400 on day one. The Aussies look at bit complacent if you ask me; just wait till we hit them with our secret weapon. I don’t know what our secret weapon is, they’ve managed to keep it well under wraps, but I’m sure we have one. Looks like Harmison’s bowling deliberately badly to lull them into a false sense of security and as for that cunning wicketkeeper of ours; pretending to not be able to catch the ball, clever stuff.

Pub Day today. Cottage Pie and Salamander Ale.

My new tyres arrive and I get some admiring glances as I carry them home on the bus. Well I assume they are admiring glances and not looks of what’s that weirdo doing getting on the bus with two bike tyres and a swim float. Did I mention the swim float; it's not mine it's for my Psycho at home. They're all jealous really.

Manage to put my new tyres on to my bike despite a break half way through the job to play squash. All I need now is rain tomorrow so that I can give my new tyres a proper workout. So let it rain! Wa-Hey!

Make some silly mistakes in the game and throw away two games I should have won. I go down 5-2. We have one particular rally where we both manage to maim each other with our racquets, yet still continue and play out the point; impressive stuff; quality squash. Game over, we both lie on the floor of the court; close to death. You can't beat a good physical workout. We nip for a quick pint of Newby Wyke Black Squall, very nice.

Back home and L has cooked an excellent Keema. We wash this down with Old Peculier. So not very AF today. Well it is the weekend, almost.

Eventful Day For A Dog

On the bus again even though I'm not currently very good at catching it. It involves getting up earlier than either the other options of bike or car. Luckily this morning the bus was later than I was. Get to work and we have another bike in our car park this morning, appears I have started a trend! One of the directors is cycling but his commute is only 5 miles. Ha!

L has done 44 lengths of the pool this morning; that is on top of her run with Doggo; and she calls me a psycho.

In the evening Doggo and I accompany Daughter to Guides but on the way Doggo got mugged. Just as we were ambling past two retrievers; all three dogs on the lead; the second dog started to snarl at Doggo; we had gone past the first one as if it wasn't there. Doggo naturally snarled back; usual dog 'handbags' sort of stuff but then the first dog grabbed Doggo from behind; locking his jaw on Doggo's back. Not sure if it was the kick I tried to administer to the dogs head or the fact Doggo then slipped his collar to fight back that made the dog let go. All very traumatic, although he seems fine, if a little shaken. The elderly couple whose dogs they were didn't know quite what to say. I too was speechless; what can you say.

To cap it all for Doggo; he got snarled at again by one of his class mates at agility class later that night. This isn't an unusual occurrence and is more posturing than anything else; they are best of enemies really. Didn't put him off his training though; both of us were brilliant tonight. Hope this form holds until our next event on 2nd December.

Told L to expect us back from training about midnight; as the trainer we have tonight does tend to go on a bit. Not that this is really cause for complaint; as it means we get more training for our money but it does make for a late night. However tonight he is forced to finish training on time. Therefore, we are home so early that L hasn't even got Doggo's water ready for him. He usually needs a pint or too after his night of sport; typical male I suppose.

L suggests going to bed early. Both me and Doggo spring to attention. Doggo has somewhere comfy to clean his sandy paws in mind; I have other more sordid thoughts. Grabbing L by the hand I propel her to the bedroom and push her onto the bed. Now on top of our bed is a fleece blanket that is supposed to keep the dog hair and grit off the bed. Doggo loves this blanket, he likes to drag is round the room between his legs; you know like dogs do. So here I am trying to relieve L of her jeans, while Doggo is trying to remove the blanket from under her; so that he can have his shag! Don't have a dog.

Flat Tyre

What is it about the prospect of cycling to work that means I always have to steal a quickie first. Perhaps it's the thought that it could be my last with the prospect of getting mangled under the wheels of some juggernaut lying in wait once I'm on my bike!

Anyhow made it to work in one piece. Pretty uneventful this morning; no problems, although very windy; no fellow psychos I mean cyclists to race against. I have given up on the cycle path; decided you need a 4x4 to do it justice. I took it easy, L would have been pleased with me. Crap time though!

L reports that Doggo enjoyed his morning drag particularly the autumnal leaves, which are great for a comfy dump. She reveals that although last night's Pilates was a bit naff; her body aches, so obviously it wasn't quite as easy as she made out.

Had a bit of a mishap on the way home. Good job it wasn't worse or else this morning's shag may well have been my last. I got cut up by a motorist on the way home. Due to the wet road and wet brakes, I knew I was unlikely to stop in time, so I aimed for the pavement. Unfortunately curb was somewhat high, so rather than bump the bike up the curb I kind of smacked into it. It felt like quite a collision but it was probably only at about 5 mph. Unfortunately what made it worse was that, due to the fact I couldn't extract my feet out of the baskets on my pedals, I also toppled over sideways. The upshot of this was a flat and damaged tyre. So had to do my first ever 'on the spot' tyre repair. I have always carried a spare tube, tyre levers and a pump but have so far never had to use them in anger. Repairs went well, although my tyre is wrecked. Will order some more, grippier ones off the internet tonight.

Was a tv-aholic for the night, we watched a programme on alcoholics. Sobering stuff if you excuse the pun. Makes you worry about your drinking; although some of the people were drinking 200 units a week! Two out of the four subjects in the programme died while it was being made, one of them aged only 26. Doggo lightened things up towards the end and started chucking gloves around the living room. He's very adept at sniffing them out even when they aren't left lying around. Well at least if he was playing with gloves then he was leaving my socks alone.

We went to bed; resisting the urge to take a night cap with us.

Mondays

Mondays. Who invented Mondays ? Why do we have Mondays ? Today is a typically quiet Monday.

Doggo looks quite lively this morning, which is a big change from the half dead creature that shared our bedroom last night. He is, however, still caked in mud. L takes him for a run and apparently he does drag his paws a bit.

In car. In queues.

Post Mortem on the fantasy isn't good. I took a battering. To make matters worse, for some reason neither Watford or Blackburn play next week. I have absolutely no idea why they aren't playing, assume it's purely to mess up our teams. Time to sell Pederson.

Dog class in the evening, Doggo performs quite well. L tries her hand at Pilates, whatever that is, but don't think she's too impressed.

We both feel we did quite well alcohol wise last week so will roll those unused units over to next weekend.

Easy Day

You think we'd take it easy today wouldn't you. After our exertions yesterday. That's what doggo thought too; as he lay there in a pile of grit on the end of the bed. Wrong. It's that purgatory again, orienteering. It's only in Derby so it's not a rush to get up, enough time to... well you can't have too much of a good thing can you.

Orienteering goes well, although they setup some booby trap at the start for me a Doggo. A complicated system of poles and tapes creating starting gates for each course. Absolutely ideal for a dippy collie to get tangled in and take the whole lot with him. Somehow he manages not to.

We both do well and I beat L back to the finish; despite the fact she's on a shorter course. Doggo keeps running as we hit the finish line and heads for the car. They have a generator powering the computers at the finish and he hates the noise of them; another of his many quirks.

In the afternoon I chill out at home with the Ramones and Libertines DVDs while L and Daughter shop in town.

In the evening we take it easy; only kidding, we go for a swim. In fact it is quite relaxing and it does my aching limbs good. Doggo guards the car.

Back home we have a traditional Sunday lunch; chilli and rice.

AF today; 26 units for the week, very pleased with that.

Cake

Seagrave Wolds Challenge today. It's a 9 am start so it's a lie in. For me the event consists of 15 miles of cross country strapped to a dog. Sausages rolls, cups of tea and cake laid on at the start. More cakes and more tea at 5 miles and then again at 10. Then soup/bread and apple crumble/custard laid on at the finish. As well as more cake. Now that's what I call a race. Some pillock does it in 1 hour 45 mins, we take a couple of hours longer. Can't believe he ate as much cake as us though, even Doggo gets his share.

L looks unhappy most of the way round and seems to do most of the course on one leg due to her dodgy hamstring, doggo does most of the course on three legs due to his constant weeing habit.

When we get home both kids are upstairs in their individual electronic worlds; so we debrief in a hot bath. By hot I mean hot; when L does hot she does it in style, water temperature that is; hot enough to strip skin. Half an hour later it's still too hot in the bathroom for me, so we move the debrief into the bedroom. It soon gets hot in the bedroom too; but this time it's nothing to do with temperature. L's iffy hamstring obviously isn't that bad as she makes impressively light of it with her athleticism.

Derby win again; 2-0 at Luton and again I miss most of it. Score draw in our match up but ours was the better game. Initial assessment of the fantasy league scores doesn't look too promising for my team.

We go out early; we have arranged to meet some friends at a local real ale house. It's only three miles away so we walk naturally; smug gits that we are. Doggo comes too. Initially he doesn't look too keen but soon gets into his stride and shows us the way. Once in the pub and full of pork scratchings he sleeps under the table; still caked in the mud from the morning run.

The Damson Porter is excellent and we have a couple of pints each but then it runs out. A Thornbridge bitter later; Salem Porter replaces it and we round off the evening with a couple of them and yes we stagger home as well. 21 miles for the day; impressive or what. That deserves a curry doesn't it; so we collect a take away for us and the kids on the way home. We had actually promised them this as a treat; more like we feel we can't get away with sloping off on our own to a restaurant two weeks in a row. The take away is excellent; better than last week's.

The Paper Girl

The alarm goes off and I'm lying there contemplating the day. I'm on my bike today, so I really need to get up and get moving. I should also be saving my legs and my energy but you know what's it like. You just have to don't you; I just couldn't resist the lure of the naked body beside me. Think I owe her a bit of indulgence this weekend after all these quickies and I hope I haven't made her late for her paper round.

Apparently once on my bike I upset the dog, who is by then out on the paper round with the paper girl, the same one I have just taken advantage of (that's L by the way) and Son who's paper round it actually is. Doggo loves the paper round, means he can get his nose into other peoples gardens; he's such a nosy dog. Apparently they were stood talking when Doggo suddenly started yelping and bolted off towards me. Unfortunately L was attached to him at the time. I did wonder what that distant scream was.

Cycled most of the way with another cyclist, he was in full cycling kit, so not a novice. I warily eyed him up, remembering the last time I'd taken on another cyclist. Decide it's best to assume he was a psycho and not push my luck. In the end we had a bit of a race, as you do. Boys will be boys as L keeps telling me. I was sensible, I knew he was too good for me, so I let him go ahead. We even had a bit of a chat. I’d have chatted more but I was too busy gasping for breath. I was pleased to see I’d left him in a similar state. He was obviously like me; only a half hearted psycho. Any real psycho would have left me for dead. Although he did help me knock 3 minutes off my time for that route. Perhaps he was a real psycho after all.

Weather started off dry but then it rained, so I was well wet by the time I go to work. My waterproof jacket is excellent, it's just a shame about the rest of my kit. Ended up with damp, sweaty cycling kit draped all around the office drying. Nice. As I keep saying I need better tyres too! Pulled a broadside when a car came out towards me from a side road today.

L emails to check how the ride was and whether I'm eating to restore my energy. So far I’ve only had my milk shake and a coffee, which probably isn’t the answer she wanted. I’ll have something to eat when I’ve finished lying on the floor gasping for breath.

Squash opponent berates me for doing his back in. He reckons he now has even less chance of getting a win in his six monthly tennis match on Saturday. Of course he could have tamely just let me win and saved
his energy for Saturday but that's not his style. In any case what's he complaining for, I'm the one with his racquet mark across my back!
Good job L knows I got them bruises playing squash.

L goes home early; where she finds Doggo keeping an extremely low profile because it's raining and he doesn't want to go out. He's a border collie; you know the sort; a working dog who works in all weather, come ice, come snow they're out there on the hills tending to their flock. His ancestors probably slept in a drafty old barn even in the depths of winter but our collie hates the rain. When L took him out in the car to meet the kids from school he wouldn't even get out of the car!

L cooks Bolognaise and we eat early; then go for a swim. We vow to be AF tonight so that we are in top form for the run tomorrow. Then we can be really really bad and blow all our units in one go in the evening. We take doggo for a leg stretch first, as it has finally finished raining. Swim is ok but I'm that full of bolognaise I can feel my stomach scraping on the bottom of the pool.

We get home and decide the best way to stay AF is to go to bed and have an early night. Once there L gets the indulgence she's missed for most of the week. Terrific session that makes you just want to get up afterwards and blog about it but L prevents me doing so. She knows my memory of details will be more hazy by the time I come to write it up.

Evil Moroccan

In the car today but drive not too bad; I drove the way I sometimes cycle through Ilkeston, although didn’t use the cycle paths! Avoided all the hold-ups apart from the queue for Pride (Car) Park

L says the dog was particularly lively this morning on her run. I enquire whether she was sure it was our dog she took. The yellow one; who didn’t look particularly lively last night, with his tongue stuck to the carpet, far from it in fact. L promises evil Moroccan tonight, assume she means food.

I do the driving to the pub for my usual pre-squash meal of pie and a pint. Before I go my opponent urges me to have pudding and an extra pint. Think he's trying to get an edge on me, he's already winging that he's tired, had no exercise, got a bit of a cold, sore back.... Get your excuses in early why don't. What's he worried about; he'll still win.

Had another good Durham beer - Canny Lad 4.3% - and it's a dark one, bonus. Shock horror, I shun the usual cottage pie and go for Steak & Stilton pie! Very nice. Although stunned the cook who had already started getting my cottage pie ready! Am I that predictable ? Skipped pudding, didn't want to slow myself down too much; don't want to neglect my duty in providing my opponent with his weekly exercise.

Got home and took the now no longer yellow dog; where's he dumped all that sand then ? for a quick stick eating, sorry throwing, session. Then it's squash. Predictably I lose again. 6-1. His demon serve was just too good tonight; who's ever heard of a demon serve in squash! Must get professional help, with my squash that is.

We are good to our word and find a new venue for our post match drink; the excellent Victoria. The Farmers Stout they have on goes down very well; even my opponent breaks his usual Thursday AF to have two pints, then I'm off home to the Moroccan.

Sweet And Fruity South African

On bus today. Had to run for it again! Lure of my bed obviously too great; either that or the weight of the collie on my legs.

Keep getting emails telling of snow in Glencoe; one of my favourite places. Keeping checking the webcam on the Kingshouse Hotel but there isn't much to shout about; although there's definitely snow on top of the hills. All the same won't be getting the skis down out of the loft just yet.

Have been criticised for not using semi-colons in my blog. This is because I have never been sure how to use them! All the same I will certainly try and use them more often, usually in the wrong places. So now I'll get told off and told to put commas instead!

L's been upsetting the men at the swimming pool again. Apparently all the men get out the pool when L and the other female psychos turn up. The only thing worse than a male psycho is a female one, not surprised they got out. You don't tangle with a female psycho; especially not when she's wearing an aggressive swim suit; is in the process of doing 40 lengths and doesn't even need a sports drink to achieve it; and particularly if you've been on the end of one of her massages!

Oops. While I was discussing female psychos with L I accidentally sent the email to someone else! Now he wants to know what an aggressive swim suit is and asks if he can see a photo!

On the way home there was a young chap on the bus trying to chat up this girl who was sat opposite him. They seemed to be getting on quite well but then she picked up a book. His face visibly dropped; she was obviously getting bored with him. Then he (and I) saw what it was she was reading; it was the New Testament! His expression turned to one of absolute pain, as if she'd kicked him in the balls (she hadn't; I check her feet were still firmly on the ground). Felt like going over to him; consoling him and telling him to see it as a challenge; then again aren't all women a challenge.

Daughter at Guides tonight; me and Doggo walk with her and zigzag our way there; from pillar to post; bush to tree; etc. Then onto dog class again. Back home with an orange dog; covered in the sand of the training arena.

Me and L retire to bed with a bottle of South African White, which isn't bad; slightly sweet; slightly fruity. We put the world to rights again and also attempt to pick the best films and music of the year so far. We really struggle picking good films but picking good music proves easier.

L offers and I accept, even though my thigh still hurts; I should have asked my psycho for a another massage.

Snoggers and Doggers

Back on the bike today; I lazily decided not to fight the traffic and use the cycle path again (National Route 6 you know!). This time I have definitely been put off using it again; no dogs trying top fetch me off but it looked like someone has had a party over the weekend in the middle of the path; broken glass everywhere. Saw the glass too late to avoid it and amazingly didn't get a puncture. Must stick to the road next time.

Dowie is sacked by Charlton. Madness. Trescothick comes home from Australia. Predictable. Cahill out for at least 6 weeks. Oh no.

Complained to the council about the fact they are basically shutting down all the leisure centres over the Xmas period, for the entire 10 days or so. L and I have just signed up to pay a monthly fee for unlimited swimming and gym, so naturally losing a third of December isn't going make this very good value. Their defence seems to be that opening the centres on all bank holidays; they didn't mention the three normal working days between Xmas and New Year when they are also shut; would cost them £100,000 in extra expenditure. I am stunned. They shut the centres to save a mere £100,000; the council budget is a whopping £800M. The population of the city is around 300,000, so that’s a mere 30p per person. How difficult would it be to raise 30p per person per year via leisure centre charges alone, hmmmmm not very difficult!!!!!

I leave work and the roundabout at the end of our road is at a standstill in all four directions. I smugly weave in and out of the parked cars, this presumably is why they call it Pride Park. Definitely not bringing the car this week at all; oh bugger it's my turn to do the pub run on Thursday.

It has been raining and the roads are wet but it's not too bad. I check for frogs in Risley but this time there are none. 55 mins; so I can honestly say I took my time.

Ocado delivered tonight, over an hour early. The kids took delivery; even Warcraft is put on hold so that Son can help out his sister. The delivery man leaves our 13 year old with 8 bottles of beer, paracetamol, ibuprofen etc hope his employers don't find out.

L and daughter play badminton; I drop them off and walk Doggo along the embankment. Interesting experience for us both as we sample the night life:- runners, bikers, dog walkers, the booze ship Nottingham Princess full of revellers, the rowing club practising in the dark by torchlight, steamed up cars in abundance, snoggers, doggers and lots of fallen leaves for a collie to sniff in.

L cooks up an excellent chicken stir fry while I reminisce with the new Ramones DVD.

AF.

Massage

Not much to report today, Mondays are always a bit flat after a good weekend. The only thing worth blogging about was that it was a really good sex day but not sure L would want me going in to details. Particularly the bit about asking me to come to bed in my cycling shorts and she tell me I'm perverse!

I am driving in today, so have time for a bit of indulgence before I go, which gets the day off to an excellent start.

By car; the journey to work is a nightmare, over an hour. Will not be driving again this week. In fact ought to try and give up this driving to work lark completely.

L's email is down but my mates isn't and he accusing me of cooking up some fiendish plot in the fantasy league. His plot seems to be to sign all my players, he's now pinched my goalkeeper and he's still eyeing up Gareth Barry, bad back or not. Who needs a plot, good team management will shine through in the end. Wonder if he thinks I'm plotting because I've managed to amass £3M in the bank. Hmmm I like the look of that Lampard character.

In the evening dropped L and Daughter off at L's mums on my way to dog training. More nightmares with the traffic. Doggo is pretty good again tonight and fast! Wonder it he's plotting something...

Back home; have unhealthy bacon and cheese sandwiches, washed down with healthier Tuscan bean soup.

Still struggling with a dodgy thigh, so take up the offer of a massage from L, as I intend to cycle tomorrow. No I didn't come to bed in my cycling shorts but would have done had L insisted.

She shows me what she's learnt from her physio; doing the massage naked is a nice touch and helps take my mind off the pain she inflicts. Feel I have to repay her attentions and enjoy doing so; as I said it was a very good sex day.

AF again.

Purgatory

Purgatory today, sorry I mean Orienteering. However, first we break with tradition and shag before hand. It's usually a case of do the orienteering, get all muddy, wash it off in a hot bath and then spend the afternoon in bed! But L is very up for it this morning and aggressive too. It crosses my mind that perhaps she is trying to tire me out so that she can beat me at the orienteering! I'll worry about that later.

Later, in some muddy field, me and L start together. Her on a Green, me and doggo on a Blue. Doggo looks particularly stupid at the start, barking, quivering with excitement, desperate to start. I try and pretend I'm not with him, difficult as we are strapped together.

The whole point of orienteering, it to orientate yourself when you start and then stay orientated throughout the course e.g. don't get lost. If you start lost e.g. not orientated, then you really are stuffed. When you have an overexcited dog with you getting started can be difficult and today it is so busy we waste time as I try and keep the rampant collie away from other runners, especially from a young lad who is petrified of dogs. L finds her first control close by and doggo wants to go there too but it is not one of ours.

I take him a long way round to our first control to take the edges off him and eventually we get into our rhythm. It goes well from there onwards until he picks up L's scent and is off. Nothing turns him round when he's got a whiff of his Mum. Hmmm hope this isn't something he's learnt from me.

Once reunited with my errant dog, he gets a quick slap round the ears but then I have to lift him over a gate which leaves me caked in mud and the other side of the gate, is his Mum, so he's off again. Cue another slap round the ears. He's back on the lead for the next few controls which means we get tangled around several trees and bushes, we then go straight past one control and have to go back. Once he's calmed down a touch, I let him off again and a form of normality resumes.

Then some psycho who is entangled in a gorse bush, frees himself just as I run past, the action of which flings the whole thing back at me, impaling me in half a dozen places. He mutters a half-hearted sorry before he is off, I assume he can't hang around to administer first aid or even to release me because it would have a negative effect on his time. After having disengaged myself from the bush I now have multiple lacerations down both arms. It now looks like I'm into self-harm in a big way, either than or people will think that L has had the cat-o-nine-tails out again.

All in all the courses turn out to be quite easy and L does well on her Green and me and Doggo do ok on our Blue. We have coffee and soup, as we debrief back at the car.

In the afternoon, we watch the Queen on DVD. We both expected to loath it but felt we ought to see it. We are pleasantly surprised and thought it was excellent. The copy, that was lent to us by a friend, has dubious origins but we wonder why anyone would pay money to buy it when the quality is so shockingly poor. We get good value DVD rentals through the internet, so it all seems pointless.

In the evening we swim at Clifton. Doggo insists on coming and guards the car. This is no mean feat in Clifton, he'll sleep well tonight. Then I check out Peter Doherty's drug addiction on TV while L and Doggo get an early night. AF today.

Alcohol units for the week: 30

Ravishable

We decide to skip the purgatory know as Orienteering this morning, there are 'nearby' events in Matlock and Coventry. We shall be putting ourselves and Doggo through enough by doing an event near Leicester tomorrow. Instead we opt for a nice long lay in, you know the kind, coffee and fruit juice in bed, a putting the world to rights session, a comotose dog taking up most of the duvet, consant interruptions by Daughter and of course lashing of sex. 2-2.

Me and doggo then partake in an hour of football, sniffing and weeing on the park.

I spend the afternoon disinfecting the eldest's computer, it has 170 known infections and I've only done the 'quick' virus scan. While I am doing this Derby win away from home again, this time 2-1 at Coventry! Now if only they could put in a decent performance at home, when I'm watching, I'd be happy.

L and I decide on a night out in Derby. Well we decide that we are spending the entire evening in one particular pub in Derby. L looks stunning in boots, black tights and a denim skirt (borrowed from Daughter!) Daughter seems slightly put out at the theft of her skirt but also flattered. It is usually the other way around, her borrowing L's clothes. All the same I am told in no uncertain terms not to grope her mother while she is wearing it! Hmmm gonna be difficult L looks good enough to eat, I could always take it off I suppose.

We go over to Derby on the bus and it is pissing it down, which cools my ardour slightly. Although L does look particularly ravishable when wet!

I clock up a fairly impressive 14 alcohol units and I'm sure L is not far behind. We have some rather nice brews from Salmander, Durham and also Marstons Old Empire.

Despite the fact L has done a chilli to soak up the beer on our return home, we are incredibly naughty and pop to our local Indian for a curry. We redeem ourselves slightly by resisting more alcohol and have softies. My Jalfrezi is excellent, L's Vindaloo very dull. Doggo loved his naan bread and the usual pork scratchings. No he wasn't in the restuarant with us we fetched him a take-away.

Unfortunately too drunk, too tired and too full of curry to do the ravishing that L's outfit deserves.

Pinter

Bike ride a bit chilly today, I have frost bite in my toes now. Used the cycle path all the way from Borrowash, 57 mins so about the same time. Path wasn’t very nice at first, grit track and a bit stony, not really bike friendly unless you have Mountain Bike but from half way it was tarmac. Not sure I’ll use it again or not. Definitely safer as it goes nowhere near any traffic, although there is a risk of falling into the Derwent.

Only thing I had to stop for were the multitude of dogs out for their morning constitutionals. One little rat nearly had me off as it ran up to me to say hello, the track has no grip on the grit section and I pulled off quite an impressive slide despite the fact I was doing all of 5mph but didn’t fall off. Winter tyres are on my Xmas list!

Had my high 5 banana shake, made it will all milk (no water) and extra high five, it was actually quite nice but a bit lumpy!

Fantasy Football emails are already arriving as I switch my computer on. My mobile beeps with a text message inquiring whether my email is working or not. Give me chance. I get berated for dealing with the work related emails first! Some people get so impatient if you don't reply within seconds. These are often the same people who take a week to reply to a vitally important email from you that only requires a simple yes or no answer.

Seems he's turned down my offer of a suicide pact over Henry. A deal that would be slightly weighted in my favour I agree. If he sells Henry now, then if he doesn't score a hat-trick this weekend, I'll sell him next week. I couldn't be fairer than that.

Says he smells a rat. I'm hurt, I don't think he trusts me, at least not when it comes to something as serious as fantasy football.

For the past few days we've been having an email debate about Lars Van Thingmawotsit, who's Idiots he has just watched. Know I've seen a few others of his but the only one I can recall is Breaking The Waves. Which I seem to remember was rather good. I try and describe it and we have a long debate about whether it's a chick flick or not.

"Woman falls in love with man, man has serious injury, man tells her to go and s*%g another man (yeah, right) but she heroically stands by her man. What would YOU call it???"

Don't actually recall her heroically standing by her man, in fact didn't Emily Watson have a whale of a time ?

L gets in touch to say she knows that I'm not a gung-ho psycho cyclist but still to take it easy on the way home as it's raining. Bugger, I’ve been trying to be more psycho but it's obviously not working. Must endeavour to be more gung-ho however on this occasion I do as I'm told and take it easy. When I get home the bike computer says a little over 53 mins, my best yet for that route! Must take it easy more often.

This is despite nearly being fetched off when I saw some strange shapes moving around randomly on the road, nearly hit one of them. Frogs! All over the road in Risley! Would have probably had me down had I hit one, wouldn't have done them much good either.

At the theatre tonight, we watch Harold Pinter's The Caretaker. We take Daughter with us, who (I think) enjoys her first dose of Pinter.

Fascinating play, if as confusing at everyone's says. It keeps us talking for hours afterwards. Would have helped though if both L and I hadn't been so tired.

Keep my alcohol units down to a nice 5 tonight.

Knackered when we get home and we fall into bed.

Watershed

On the bus again today but it difficult to get up this morning, something to do with the nice warm bed, the dog pinning me down and the gorgeous female along side me. The ache in my leg with was around lower thigh level has now slipped downwards, now it's my shin that is sore, not sure if this is an improvement or not.

End up sprinting for the bus to the sounds of Sam's Town, toast in hand and my glass of fruit juice left behind on the worktop. Bugger. Rare treat today, a nice bus driver. As he saw me running towards the bus he didn't close the door, he didn't drive off, he didn't wave and smile as he speeded past me. No he did none of that, he just sat and waited for me. Obviously failed his bus driver training course but to my benefit. Thanks mate.

L is planning a retirement cottage in the country bought on the back of the proceeds of publishing this blog. At the moment this will be in a remote part of Durham, but could change depending on how many weeks I spend on the best-sellers list. Hmmm thinks she's being a tad optimistic there! She had a profitable morning though, she got in a run and a swim and then won £3 from one of the leisure centre lockers.

Thursday is pub lunch day, so I have my usual stodge, today it's Corned Beef Hash and a pint. The beer was not quite as good as usual, nothing dark on offer other than a 4.8% stout which is a bit strong for lunchtime, in fact I can’t actually recall what beer I did have! So forgettable then. The Hash was good but not as good as mine naturally. Chef's tip - do it with chunks of potato rather than mash, much nicer.

Squash still hasn't been cancelled and my opponent appears optimistic, "Done no exercise, feeling tired, had drink last night...". Ah but he's not had a pub lunch has he, fine preparation for an athlete. I'm feeling well on form now.

Usual debate about the Reality League. We both want to sell Henry but haven't got the bottle to do it, we were both pondering on taking the opportunity to sell Terry as he was going to be suspended but then he served his suspension last night and the problem with Terry is he does seem to pick up points for just turning up. Then am horrified to discover that he has also got his eye on Barry, I was going to sign Barry! but now he's done his back in.

Tell him Gareth Barry has broken his back, both legs, an arm, his nose and his left nipple and he's going to be out for at least three years, so to FORGET ABOUT HIM. Either that or I'll report him for making an illegal approach.

Get home and I have half an hour or so free before squash, so I try and tempt Doggo out for a walk. Takes five minutes or so of sweet talking before I get him past the front door. He sits there pathetically peering round the door, listening for bangs. This is my big brave dog. Eventually we heroically go for it and I think he enjoys himself, we manage a good stick session and he seems oblivious to the few bangs that do go off.

Lost four games in a row at squash (but they were close, honest) then rallied to win two before losing the last one. 5-2 about par for the course. Both of us now totally knackered. Retire to the pub for well earned pint to find all the real ale is off. This is becoming a very frequent occurrence at the local pub and this will only get worse now that the brewery (Hardy's and Hanson's) is being shut down by Greene King at the end of the year.

After struggling down a pint of keg bitter we vow never to return and discuss our options of where to drink next week. We obviously would have had to find another pub anyway once the brewery had closed because morally we can't drink any H&H beers not brewed locally or any GK beer either for that matter. Unfortunately H&H own (owned) a lot of the better pubs in the area and their seasonal beers, which are being discontinued at Xmas, were top rate. Oh well such is progress.

L promises no TV tonight, just stretching, massage and alcohol. In fact when I get home she's already got the wine open and is looking slightly sloshed. We eat cranky, mash with celeriac in it, no I can't explain. I join her on the red wine and we get sloshed together. Nine units for the day I reckon. Once she's well inebriated, we break the midnight watershed.

Good Boys And Girls

Wake up with a bit of a dead leg, my left, could have been yesterdays cycle or perhaps the collie slept on it, not sure which. No time for misbehaving this morning, am taking the bus. Cycling two days in a row is hard work, at least until I get fitter.

Unfortunately the bus is the slowest way to work as it involves quite a walk but it is the least stressful, also I get to listen to some music and I have downloaded a load of stuff by 'recommended' up and coming new bands. L is heading out for a run with Doggo and then for a swim, so she's easily out sporting me today.

Once at work the first email from L includes the dog's daily turd report, which wasn't included yesterday. This is vital info since the vet told us that his erm... deposits aren't firm enough to clear out his anal glands! He had to have them squeezed a few weeks ago! Ugh! Due to the panic caused by my incorrectly anticipated cycle accident, he forgot to deposit one yesterday. For the record, today's was nice and solid!

L's hamstring is still sore and she tells me another massage might be needed later. Wa-Hey, am more than happy to give her another massage, baring in mind how last nights ended! However this won't be happening until 11.40 as we're watching One Life tonight as L's boss is the surgeon on it. So that doesn’t leave much scope before the midnight watershed! It’ll have to be a quick massage! What's also worrying is the fact that that'll be two TV programmes we've watched in two days, if we keep this up we'll end up buying the Sun to keep up on the gossip or worse one of those TV mags. Either that or we'll be candidates for counselling before the end of the week.

L is planning on treating herself to either the new Scissor Sisters or The Bravery album to cheer herself up! Neither really my idea of 'cheer' but it could be worse. Then again after listening to my selection of new bands on my ipod this morning, I got to work and deleted the majority of them, nothing very exciting and then crank up the Raconteurs instead.

Email my mate the Leeds fan. Nothing from him for two days but my works email has a usually convenient way of classing most of his emails as junk mail and binning the lot, before they reach me. This is an excellent free service, except for the time he cancelled our squash match but I didn't get the email and ended up playing by myself for 45 minutes.

Manage to get in contact and yes I have been ignoring him for two whole days. Come to think of it several emails I sent myself from home haven't turned up either, so I've been ignoring myself too. Microsoft Junk Email filter, don't go there.

Good job I'm not a girl!!! He says. But women thrive on being ignored, don't they ? He agrees but promised to check with his partner just in case.

Anyhow, no he hasn't, as yet, cancelled Thursday squash match and I don't appear to have missed anything else important, apparently he ran out of derogatory things to say about the plight of Leeds United a few hours ago. Thank God I missed that two day rant. Not often Dennis Wise leaves people speechless!

Back home I run Daughter to Guides, in the car for once, we still have bombs exploding in the sky round our way, so it's not safe to walk her there, well not worth the hassle of trying to persuade Doggo to leave the safe haven of home and come with us.

After that I take Doggo to his hobby, this is Agility. Well the agility bit is my hobby, the rest of the evening - the sniffing, the digging, the weeing, the barking and whining at the other dogs and generally putting them off their runs is his hobby but we have some tenuous agreement to meet somewhere in the middle e.g. we try and be half decent over the obstacles. Tonight he is actually rather good, as he has been for the last few weeks, naturally this will all go pear shaped next time we enter an event.

We both return home covered in the foul smelling sand (horse wee presumably!) of the arena where we train. Him from digging in it, me from ... well actually, I'm not sure how I managed it.

L is limping around the kitchen after a session with her physio, so perhaps we won't get that massage session in after all and she's started gushing a day early.

We both we need a drink, alcoholics that we are, and we put a bottle of white in the fridge but in the end we don't touch it. What a good boy and girl we are.

Bike Miles: 0 - Alcohol units: 0 - Sex Units: 0 - Minutes On Bus: 150

Dodgy Hamstring

Switch Nicky Campbell off and grab a quickie. L resists, insisting I should save my energy, don't want to get the bonk while I'm cycling!

Arrived at work ok. 57 mins. Am still alive. Enjoyed the route, took the flatter of my two route s to work, quite uneventful ride really, much less kamikaze traffic on this route.

Tried my new 'milk shake' recovery drink, very dull, not that I even like milk shakes. Second time I've tried it, first time I didn't add milk! It was actually better without the milk but then I'm not sure if it would do me any good without the milk.

Also a coco loco bar, very rich in cocoa, not sure I liked it, bit like a large chocolate brownie. I wouldn't eat it for fun but if it gives me an energy boost then I would consider it again but several hours later nothing has kicked in!

Email from L, her morning stroll/drag with the dog was OK. Although interrupted by a huge screech of brakes from up near where we live, which they naturally assumed was me being wiped out by one of the kamikaze motorists. I assure her it wasn't me, this time.

I email her the rules of badminton for her game with Daughter tonight. She is pleased, she is planning on introducing scoring into their weekly badminton sessions and now she learns that Ladies matches only go up to 11 and not the 15 she was expecting. Although how the scoring will work without serving I'm not sure, she's waiting a few weeks before administering lessons on that thorny subject. L warns me, that what with badminton and her dodgy hamstring, she may not be AF tonight.

Biked home in 55 mins. Then tried to take Doggo out for a walk but he refused. Here in Beirut we are still under attack from fireworks, despite the fact Guy Fawkes night was 2 days ago. Once he discovered that he was expected to walk, rather than get a ride out somewhere in the safety of the car, he about turns and goes to sit by the front door. Once inside he hides under the computer table. I'm sure he's using the fireworks just as an excuse to pack in even more sleep, he is becoming such a lard arse.

Do corned beef hash for all of us and then I have a new experience as L wants to watch Trinny and Susannah!!!! I hasten to add that this is not something she's watched before! Well not that I know of, unless it is a guilty secret she has managed to keep quiet. Doggo sighs loudly and hides behind the settee. Out of some kind of sadist curiosity I watch it with her but from tonights evidence it not something I'll put myself through again. Do people actually watch this stuff for pleasure ?

L is fed up, she didn't get her planned lunchtime run as her hamstring is too sore. So we retire early and I get the pleasure of inflicting pain on L while I massage her injured hamstring for her. Mind you I think the pain in my thumbs from administering it must be almost as bad as the pain she is feeling! Happily the pain seems to turn us both on and we round the day of with a very enjoyable one-all draw.

Bike Miles: 28 - Alcohol Units: 0 - Sex Units 2(1)

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